There’s a lot out there on red, green and yellow flags when it comes to relationships. Mental Health Professionals often talk about behaviour patterns in a relationship that could be determined as a red, green or yellow flag. The colours indicate whether certain attributes and behaviours are considered to be healthy or unhealthy. These are important to look out for and consider when making decisions in pursuing a relationship.
In this article we want to continue focusing on this theme but from a spiritual angle. If we’re interested in finding a Christ-centred relationship, we probably want to be looking for a Christ-centred person, right? Let’s explore what that looks like and on the same note what that doesn’t look like.
Green Flags
Don’t you just love that feeling when you’re on the way to work and the lights are green at every intersection? You can feel that same satisfaction (if not more) when God gives you the green light to move in your relationship. Green flags are clear signs of God’s purpose and leading for you when pursuing a relationship with someone.
Let’s look at the story of Isaac and Rebekah as an example of green flags in a relationship (Genesis 24-1-27). Firstly, Abraham instructed his servant to look for a wife for Isaac not from the Canaanites, but from his own people. It is Gods will for us that we are equally yoked with our partner. Having the same values and beliefs are core to successful relationships. There’s a belief out there that we can ‘change’ people, but the very fact that Abraham emphasized this instruction to his servant shows even he had an understanding that change comes from a willing heart and that change, though can be influenced, ultimately starts within us.
Okay, so now you’re seeking someone in your church community that has the same values and beliefs as you. The next step is to consider whether they have a relationship with God. Not just a superficial relationship, but a deep connection that aligns with your own. Abraham instructed his servant to seek out someone who is in tune with God. Do you think that if some random asked you to leave your family and marry a stranger, that you would willingly go? Probably not! But because Rebekah had that relationship with God, she knew that this is where God was leading her.
Now it’s time to really put them to the test, does this person demonstrate the Fruit of the Spirit in their everyday life (Galatians 5:22-23)? Having a relationship with God goes hand in hand with having the Fruit of the Spirit. Rebekah demonstrated kindness, goodness and love in all her dealings with the servant. It’s a wonder to us that he didn’t fall in love with her himself! If your partner or potential partner demonstrates all of these things, and it is clear that God is working in your lives to join you together – then we can safely say that these are green flags.
Red Flags
It can be quite easy to hide behind the façade of being a ‘Christian.’ We’re all taught how to talk the talk but a strong point in determining whether a person is Christ-centred is seeing where their focus lies. There was a statement I came across a little while ago that said, ‘what or who you behold is what or who you become.’ The Bible talks about character through the terminology of fruit, for example, the Fruit of the Spirit mentioned above. Matthew 7:20 also states that we can identify a person by their actions in the same way we can identify a tree by its fruit.
Genesis 38 tells us an incredibly juicy story between Judah and Tamar. Now we can delve into this story in a plethora of ways but we’re just going to look at it from the angle of how their focus determined their actions. Firstly, Judah made a promise to Tamar that when his youngest son was old enough, he would prepare for a marriage between them, however, he was not intending to keep this promise. Tamar then decided that she would take matters into her own hands and positioned herself on the side of the road as bait. Judah reckoned she was a prostitute and requested her services, she obliged ensuring she would be paid by basically taking his ID and Judah handed them over.
Just from reading this summary, we can see many things that went wrong but what they both had in common was their focus. They focused on what they wanted and neither consulted God before making a decision according to the story. This resulted in great humiliation and pain (mostly for Judah) but also for Tamar.
Now, we may not find ourselves in messed up situations like this but it’s clear that our focus determines our actions and that shows the kind of fruit we bear for everyone to see. It’s worth taking a close look at what kind of fruit the person you’re interested in bears and getting people you trust to chime in too. Judah was one of the sons of Jacob, he knew who God was but decided to go his own way instead.
Yellow Flags
Nothing screams yellow more than the story of Israel and the Bronze Snake found in Numbers 21:4-9. As humans, it is in our nature to think, speak and act before God does and this is our downfall each and every single time.
Yellow flags are a warning, to go slow – proceed with caution because without God’s guidance we’ll never know when a yellow can turn into a green or a red. Just like the Israelites, ‘impatience’ is our biggest problem. We want the happy ending, and we don’t often think about the cost. The Israelites? Well, they just wanted bread, but look where they ended up.
When confronted with a yellow flag, we need to look up just as Moses instructed the Israelites to look at the bronze serpent. We should redirect our focus to seeking the will of God first and foremost. It may be that this person that has been put in front of you is not quite right for you. Or maybe they have some baggage they need to work on and you’re the one God is aligning to help sharpen and be sharpened by!
Don’t get us wrong, we’re not telling you to overlook a flag that’s starting to get to a shade of dark orange simply because God ‘may’ be calling you to pursue that relationship. We want you to be able to discern what God’s will is for you and the only way you can do that is to spend time with Him in the word and in prayer. Seek counsel from friends and family and educate yourself on what a godly relationship looks like.
WRITERS: Elsa Cangy and Kymberly McMurray