I am someone who is obsessed with the way I look. It’s not really due to vanity or narcissism but more to do with the perception I hold of myself.
In a family filled mostly of finicky females, from a young age I was taught that the outer part of me would hold greater importance than my internal thoughts and the quality of my personality.
The conversations in my family usually consisted of topics like:
‘What would you get done if you had the money?’
‘Should we go get our noses done once we’re 18?’
‘How much do you weigh?’
‘Are you really going to wear that?’
Our ‘sister-bonding’ times were trips to skin-lightening appointments, facials and beauty treatments. Even before my sixteenth birthday, I had a list in my diary of surgical procedures I would get done once I was an adult who could afford it.
As I got older and broke away from those conversations and appointments, I spent more time and money on my education and hobbies as a way to deter my focus from my face and body.
It started with reading books and immersing myself in the characters who seemed to also be in a mission to overcome their own adversities. Then I started watching movies that inspired me to make some of my own, writing narratives and learning how to edit scenes that would best reflect the images in my head. Then I began to cook without paying too much attention to the portions and instead, creating meals that I enjoyed wholeheartedly.
I started building so many hobbies like sewing, photography, musical arrangement and performance that my conversations also grew creatively and broadly.
I felt as though I finally had more to offer beyond my natural appearance.
But the problem with that feeling comes with the word ‘finally’.
While I had worked to make myself more appealing by investing in different activities and sorts of skills, I had not invested energy into mending my perception of myself.
I tried to cover up my insecurities, qualities of myself I thought were of failure and disappointment by distracting myself with external commitments. I was so disconnected with myself that I started to believe that the love of God that extends to everyone must have missed me because I could not even bare to even love myself.
But as 1 Corinthians 2:3-5 writes,
“I came to you in weakness—timid and trembling. And my message and my preaching were very plain. Rather than using clever and persuasive speeches, I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit. I did this so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God. (NLT)”
I was a hurt young person that hid behind a materialistic veil as a pursuit for redemption and acceptance from myself. But when I could not even instigate a mindset that complimented me, the Lord’s words gave me comfort, then purpose.
God did not ask anything more than action from me; no eloquence in words or a competent physic, simply invited me to rely on his power. And that was what gave me strength, to no longer project dissatisfaction from myself but to project the perception and purpose God had for me.
I did not have to build various hobbies and skills in order to outweigh the ‘lack’ of prettiness I felt. While it made my life interesting to pursue different activities, my personality and way of thinking required more attention than anything else. I was so busy trying to fix myself with a broken and warped idea of me that satisfaction and content were not within my reach.
However, when I left that disgruntled mentality and leaned onto the words of God and his immense love and acceptance, I could not help but feel underwhelmed by my own taunting. He had so much in plan for me if I chose to follow him and project the perception through his lens, and when I decided to follow that, my old way of thinking no longer interested me.
AUTHOR: Raviana Sailo