So this month we have focused a lot on dealing with romantic relationships but in order to be in a relationship, we need to be single first.
As great as it is to be in a relationship, singleness is a very vital part of your life. How you treat your singleness will be evident in how you flourish in your relationships.
We sat down with Candace who was one of our panel members for our ‘Relationships Uncensored’ event and spoke to her about how she dealt with her single season. And how she created her foundation for her relationship in her singleness.
Candace and boyfriend Alex
- How did you stay content in your singleness?
By being busy and having lots of things happening, there’s so much out there to put your focus on, not just finding the ‘right person’. During my season of singleness, I focused on my studies, building my career, I had my own interests which I was passionate about and I still am today while in a relationship. I took my first trip overseas which was one of the biggest things I did on my own, and it was the most amazing experience ever! Relationships take time and a lot of an individual’s focus, God knows this and therefore in order to get closer to us he keeps us single, it was during my season of singleness that I discovered the Sabbath and started going to an Adventist church (that’s another story within itself!), I found myself getting closer to God and developing a deeper relationship with Him which has changed my life in so many ways. Over time I just accepted the idea that it’s okay to be single, and I didn’t feel pressured by what I saw around me like other friends getting into relationships and marriage. Naturally, I’m someone that can be alone, I enjoy time by myself, I believe that everyone runs their own race and things happen at different times for everyone.
- What are some things you have learnt about yourself in singleness?
I think you really learn about what you’re capable of when you are by yourself. I got to understand what my needs are and what I want and what I enjoy doing. In turn, discovering things about myself. I learnt that I can be happily single and I was happy single before my current relationship. And I never put that pressure on myself as well. As I grew closer to God I learnt my value in Him and through that how I and others should be treated.
- How did you prepare yourself for a relationship?
In the past, I have read good relationship books that were suggested to me by friends. One of the first books I remember reading was ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. It was a really good book, it spoke about the emotional needs of a man and a woman, it helped me make sense of why guys I was talking to would act a certain way or do certain things. What really helped me build my expectations and standards within relationships was a book called ‘If you ever really love me’ by Jason Evert, through this book and many others, I learnt how to read the warning signs earlier which helped me filter boys out before investing more of myself. Also, one awesome thing about growing up in my home was that my mum always encouraged me to be independent and never put any pressure on me or questioned me about why I’m not in a serious relationship or married. She would always say ‘enjoy your single life!’.
- What did you look for in your future spouse?
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised how important character is. As time passes career paths change, social status changes, appearance changes but one of the things that remain consistent overtime is a person’s character, their principals and values, this is what governs their decision making and how they treat others. Having a relationship with God was very important to me, I wanted a Godly man, one who is loyal, committed, can make decisions, is honest, has integrity and is a man of his word…actions speak louder than words!
- One piece of advice you would give those that are single?
Enjoy it while it lasts! Think about it, once you get married the children come and then you’ll never really be alone, the time you have by yourself now is precious and valuable do you really want to look back and regret not using the time you had alone more meaningfully?
I recommend reading books on relationships. Focus on yourself and making yourself a better person, the only way you can do that is by having a relationship with God, there is something about having a connection with Him, He naturally works on your heart and you become a better person. Think about what you can give to the person instead of what you can gain from them. Always remember if you can’t find your value and identity in the God who created you then don’t expect to find it in a created man. Your future boyfriend/husband will NEVER complete you, that’s God’s job.
We hope these few gems from Candace help you look at your singleness differently and help you gain a new outlook on the season God has placed you in.
Lastly here is a video we hope will encourage you in your singleness: