I picked up a bunch of flowers at the florist and jumped in the car. Lockdown had meant that I couldn’t visit them until now. They had lost their son a few weeks before in a tragic truck accident and I knew from messages we had exchanged that they were totally devastated.
I nervously knocked on the door of their home not even knowing what to say. ‘Was there anything I could do or say to help them?’ I doubted it.
Many of my own tears had flowed over the previous weeks as I thought of the pain that they were going through by losing a son – their own flesh and blood.
I stood waiting at the door trying to position the flowers so they would be the focus. The door opened and as she stepped outside. I could see the pain on her face. She invited me in to where her husband was sitting in the lounge room. We sat down and talked about the flowers and how beautiful they were and how amazing the spring garden just through the window was.
I looked up at the lounge room wall and there was a new photo of their son – nearly life-size.
“Wow!” I said as I looked at the photo.
“That is such a great photo of him.”
“We love and loved him so much,” they said.
“We just can’t believe he is not coming back.”
More tears flowed as we talked about his amazing life. This Christian family loved God and had a passion for sharing Jesus to their world. Not knowing what to say next, the following words blurted out from my mouth,
“Are you angry with God?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said.
At the same time, I looked over and tears were pouring down her husband’s face. This tough tradesman was broken. Both of them, who dearly loved God, were angry with Him. She then asked me a question I could not answer.
“Were we wasting our time?”
“Each morning,” she continued.
“We asked God to look after and care for our two boys and now one of them is gone. It appears that God was not listening to us and that we might have just been wasting our time.”
The room went quiet for what seemed forever, and I had no idea what to say. I just had no words. I stood up and walked over and hugged them both. We all cried and none of us knew what to say.
I remembered in my study of Psalms the day before, I recalled that there were two complete Psalms of deep lament. Where the Palmist seemed to have no way out of the pain he was in. I shared the concept of pain shown in Psalm 88 and how it ended with – ‘and darkness was my closest friend’.
My friends were in a dark place. The pain of losing a son was beyond comprehension. Their questions for God were very real. The doubt that ran through their mind was seriously dark – and rightly so.
Sometimes life throws extremely difficult things at us – things we can’t understand.
Is it ok to doubt God?
Is it ok to be angry at God?
I would say the answer is yes. God wants us to verbalise to him or to people we trust what is happening in our lives.
Can healing come through pain and anger? I believe some healing can come – in time. Even the disciples had doubts and they lived and breathed in the same space as Jesus. Just before Jesus left this earth He gave us and the disciples an amazing promise or commission. The eleven disciples met Him on the mountain – they worshipped Him, but some doubted (Matthew 28:16-20).
How could some of the disciples, who had walked with Jesus for 3 years, have serious doubts about everything they had seen and lived through as they met Jesus on the mountain?
Just as the disciples we also can have doubts, it doesn’t matter how long you have been in the church or have known Jesus. Doubts come.
It is totally ok to doubt and to even be angry with God as we process our pain. Sometimes the darkness is so thick around us – that we cannot see past it.
But remember light can always shine through and brighten even the darkest of places.
Even though the disciples had doubts they still went to the mountain and listened to Jesus. So, even when doubts and anger start swirling in your mind, make sure to stay close to Jesus. You might not have the answers but He does and there isn’t a more perfect place to be than near Him.
“I am the light of the world.”
– Jesus
WRITER: Jeff Parker, Youth Director of AUC.