“Everyone struggles with it, if they say they don’t, they’re lying.”
“Everything in moderation ha ha.”
“I don’t think it’s a problem.”
These are just a few of the responses I’ve gotten when asking people their opinion about and experience with pornography. Unfortunately, in an era of easily accessible, high-quality pornography, we no longer have the privilege of assuming that it won’t be an issue in our relationships. Increasingly, we’ve become conditioned to accept pornography as normal or even healthy, thanks to the portrayal of sexual violence in music, video games and movies. We’re told that we shouldn’t be upset if our significant other watches it because “yeah, you’re not going to find a guy who doesn’t,”(1) and that it’s simply providing for the needs of your partner that you don’t want/are unable to meet.
Googling the effects of pornography yields mixed results, with some voices claiming that porn can be beneficial to couples’ exploration of sexuality and that it leads to a more open-minded approach towards varying sexualities. However, within the world of psychology, there is a growing awareness of the harm the use of pornography causes. Multiple studies link the watching of pornography to sexual violence against women and the normalization of sexual harassment. As one psychologist writes, “Consumption of pornography (is) associated with greater acceptance of objectification of women, which in turn (is) associated with greater rape myth acceptance and more frequent acts of sexual deception.”(2) While today some may argue that not all of it is harmful or demeaning towards women, at the core of pornography is the assumption that women are intrinsically inferior to men.
Women are portrayed as both wanting and deserving to be dominated, stripped of their human dignity and agency. As one writer puts it, “Porn eliminates the need to connect with a woman emotionally or intellectually.”(3) Pornography also offers an unfair portrayal of men, demanding that they be emotionless and overbearing, constantly pursuing sexual conquest. This results in a warped and unrealistic perception of what sexuality was designed to be: an act of mutual giving by both parties involved.
People may argue that porn is just fantasy, that people know the difference between what they watch and their real-life relationships. However, at a subconscious level, how is repeatedly seeing women ‘enjoy’ being slapped, gagged and spanked going to impact the way you treat women in real-life relationships? Even if the porn you watch doesn’t contain these elements, how is seeing an unlimited supply of super-sexualized, flawless bodies going to change your perception of sex with your spouse? How is repeatedly reinforcing that ‘no’ actually means ‘yes’ going to change the way you react when a woman says no?
By beholding we become changed. This isn’t just some cliché biblical saying. Science has time and time again confirmed that what we see shapes our later behaviour. When we watch someone doing something, whether it be picking up a book, folding laundry, or any other activity, our brains simulate the action, responding in the same way they would if we were actually performing the action (4). It is the reason we are able to feel empathy, the reason that virtual practice makes you a better violinist, and the reason that watching porn plays out in relational dynamics.
What we put into our minds is what we ultimately become. If you’ve never considered pornography a problem, I challenge you to put some thought to it. Reevaluate what it is that you’re putting in your mind and think through how it might be affecting your relationships. Have honest conversations with your significant other, and if you’re struggling, reach out for help. The beauty of real love is so much better than anything that could ever be found on a screen, and it’s worth fighting to protect.
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(1) Though there is a growing number of girls who watch pornography, studies confirm this is still a predominantly male issue. ifstudies.org/blog/the-porn-gap-gender-differences-in-pornography-use-in-couple-relationships
(2) psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-22934-001
(3) www.artofmanliness.com/articles/the-problem-with-porn/
(4) curiosity.com/topics/mirror-neurons-activate-with-your-actions-and-the-actions-of-others-curiosity/
**ORIGINAL ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN ‘STUDENT MOVEMENT’, ANDREWS UNIVERSITY OFFICIAL STUDENT NEWSPAPER**
AUTHOR: Caitlin Jankiewicz, attends Castle Hill SDA Church.